Week #33: In which I melt

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” – Mark Twain


I’m currently re-reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy & it’s caused me to wonder what I would have done if I was put in Frodo’s place. After twirling around in my cloak & being horribly disgusted at my feet, I’d probably freak out. You see, I’m an avoider when it comes to most types of conflict, & lean much more towards If I can’t see it, it can’t get me than *draw Sting* & Attack!! When I’m uncomfortable or upset, I just don’t think about it; I distract myself or put on a smile. I know this method isn’t perfect, but it works for me because there aren’t a lot of things that stress me out. But once in a while, when I’m busy ignoring something, my body will speak up & say, “Hey, this really does bother you & I refuse to cooperate until you deal with it!” This week I somewhat addressed that, dealing with the physical results while simultaneously not really dealing with any of the actual problems (avoider double score!).

One of the main points of AN52 is to push myself into doing new things outside of my comfort zone, so I’m rather pleased with this week’s thing since it was definitely outside of my comfort zone. Getting a massage was never something I considered for myself; even though I’m a huge touch person, I have a weird thing about being touched sometimes. For example, I love giving scratching my friends’ backs (literally) & have no problem rubbing their feet or heads. It’s relaxing for me & is one of my favorite ways of sharing love. However, when someone offers to reciprocate in a similar manner, all I can think is, Oh, no, that’s weird :SJust guessing, it could be related to an acne problem I had when I was younger, but I don’t really know, & I’m fine with it because, hey, I’m quirky like that. But I digress…

After some online research, I set up appointments for a friend, her mom & I at a local massage parlor. With no idea what to expect, I just made sure I was showered & didn’t smell weird. The lady masseuse led me back to a small room where I nearly fell asleep on the massage table as she rubbed my back, neck, shoulders, feet & legs. It was weirdly wonderful & I wasn’t always sure whether I should say something or not (they say whatever you need to relax, but I just wanted to make sure that she knew I valued her as a person & not just for her hands (so glad I didn’t try to say that to her, I’m so weird…)). We ended up having brief conversations punctuated by me trying not to drool. It seriously was one of the most relaxing things I’ve ever experienced. If only everything outside my comfort zone made me melt in a puddle like fully programmable flesh matter….

Week #20: Color me crazy

“I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn’t say any other way – things I had no words for.” – Georgia O’Keeffe

A couple months ago a friend told me about a local race called “The Color Run” where at different points in the race, you get blasted with brightly colored powder. Now I’m against running like it’s a facehugger’s insides, but I’m for color like it’s all the things I love. Clothes, walls, refrigerators—bright & beautiful colors make ’em better & express how I love to see the world.

Ironically, I’ve never applied that love of color to my hair until today. This ‘thing’ is not exactly new because I had dyed it once before today (but with dark red highlights that no one really noticed). However, now blue & purple hues tip my tresses & reveal to the casual observer some of my inner crazy, exciting wack-a-doodle. Ditto!

Week #4: Anybody seen a toad?

Luna: ‘And I don’t know who you are.’ ‘I’m nobody,’ said Neville hurriedly. – Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

I’m a geek. Most people may know or at least suspect that I’m a geek, but they don’t know the level of geek-ness that I have achieved. The geek card I’m laying down is not a +5 Supreme Knowledge or +4 Epic Costumes (though I have dressed up for the last 2 Ren Fests), but a +11 Spazzoid Mega-Love card.

Nothing turns my day around, bursts out a smile, makes me jump up & down, run a marathon with bunnies, bounce on clouds of marshmallow & marzipan, fly with the moon on my wings—well, I think you get the idea—more than an encounter with these objects of my geek girl heart. The worlds of Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings, Princess Bride, Firefly & Harry Potter do this for me.

One of the things that I think allows me to enjoy these stories is that I really get into them. I mean, I really get into them. I yell out warnings about every bad guy waiting in the shadows; I hold my breath through every watery tunnel as moral support. I’m swallowed up by the roller coaster of victories & defeats. But nothing really gets to me quite as much as the underdog. The Neville Longbottoms of the world who live as nobody, who struggle, win & lose on the sidelines. I wish I could be in the story, if only to include & encourage him.

Neville’s transformation from “Neville, the boy who kept losing his toad…” (HP & the Sorcerer’s Stone) to “ ‘I’ll join you when Hell freezes over.’ said Neville” (HP & the Deathly Hallows) while our eyes were on Harry. His story went on whether or not it was witnessed, just like in real life. The sword-wielding champion is epic, but his many flubs & foibles were a part of him, part of the reason that I love him, root for him, & cheer for him.

So I realized, if I can love something so eternally trivial as a fictional character from Harry Potter because of his goofiness & faults, why can’t I love the spastic, funny, drooly, kind person that God enables me to be? He laid +Infinity Spazzoid Mega-Love card down on me; His love should be what defines me. Therefore, my project for this week is not to say or think anything unkind to/about myself. This is going to be hard because if I mess up, it’ll be second nature to say/think something discouraging & thus continue the cycle. But I’m going to do my best & proceed with grace. If you hear me slip, please remind me. I’m only Neville after all 😉

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